i won’t remind you every time, but you need to go back to the beginning.

if i look back at my beginning, what do i feel? can i look back or have repressed too many memories or clouded them out with use of drugs, alcohol, caffeine, adrenaline, Cocomelon, and Spotify. Were our brains every built to process the amount they currently are?

Some fellow addicts warned me. They said to not get involved with personal loans, but I rationalized very quickly against them. I’m addicted to opiates. I have an above average job for a 23 year old. I’m white. I’m a male. I am in the south. With these variables combined, it seemed irresponsible to not apply for a personal loan, considering the extremely high likelihood that it would be approved. It’s like when I pawned my new MacBook pro and my high school class ring, both totaling close to 2000 dollars in value. I walked out of that pawn shop with 350 bucks. I thought it was the best day ever, always, no matter what is crumbling around an addict, if they have enough money in their pocket to get their next fix, then it is a great day. Acquiring that much money seemingly out of nowhere is how I perceived it, but then after the 350 was gone and I was broke again I realized that I had just given away my laptop and class ring for like 2 days of dirty straws and cigarette burned couches. It’s not the best feeling in the world but it is currently the life I have chosen. I keep face with society and with family still, somehow, but inside I am dead.

 Back to the lender office. I am sitting in the parking lot with the check in my hands. Staring at my text messages. Staring at nothing. Waiting for the go ahead from the dealer. Waiting in between a Little Caesars and a Publix in a strip mall. This is the last time. This has to be the last time. I repeat this 17 times until I receive the text.
The screen lights up, seemingly brighter than usual.

“Come on”

The night grew quiet as we walked into the apartment.